Have you ever laid in the dark wide awake? With the pain in your body making your brain feel alive? Or is it the aliveness of the brain, making the body feel pain?
Each pain makes a spark as they flash from axon to neuron pulsating in your brain, making your mind alive with thoughts! The electrical impulses pushing and transmitting information to other, different neurons. Transmitting flashes of information to the body’s muscles and glands. This causing the body to have spasms and involuntary movements, causing pain and discomfort. The central nervous system takes all the information up and down the body, some information gets out of sync and things function differently now.
Laying really still, I can feel the muscles fiscillate in my legs like the movements of a fish swimming. It is a very weird feeling, and watching the muscles move like that all on their own stretching and pulling and twisting away is so weird. At times it makes me feel queasy, I have to turn away and not look, I have a pain in my head, it is always there lingering ready to get worse , or when it wishes it retreats.Never far away it stays in the dark, along with my darkest thoughts which I wish to remain away too. I try to think of other things, move myself out of my body and away from the pain.
It is called ‘Dissociation’, removing yourself from a situation, a place in time where you don’t want to be. It is like running away into your own mind, where it is safe from harm. Harmful visions, harmful words, away from harmful people or situations.
The brain is indeed a wonderful thing, it still holds secrets of how it fully works. How it can shut down to help a person regain full health, as in a coma. Though it can also file things away when it feels you cannot go through the suffering you may have at a point in time. Only to bring back and open that file, throwing the memories around, leaving them strewn on the floor of your mind.
Left to try and pick up the pieces, like a puzzle we put back together. What if we put them back in the wrong order? What happens then? We are left it would seem, in more of a mess than if we had dealt with these pieces at the time we were given them. Now left with a misfiring brain, and the damaged puzzle pieces that are the memories of our past. Where the hurt still remains seemingly worse, as we struggle to function properly anymore. This is only a small insight into the mind and daily life, of a Functional Movement Disorder sufferer.
This is the answer to, the way it feels…..